Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

I got soap in my shower beer again.

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

Autocarrot sucks!

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!