Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
You Might Also Like
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Finally! 😈
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
kids play hide and seek like
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.