Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.