*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
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Planet of the Apps.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC