@beefman138

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

- @beefman138

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@totallymel

my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal

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The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.

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Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

@Angibangie

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

@panmidwest

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

@Book_Krazy

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Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

@astrobebs

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
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@davidkenny100

*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

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– inventor of the bagpipes

@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

@copymama

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