*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Me when my alarm goes off
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR