Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

certified hallow’s eve classic

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.