Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea