wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
You Might Also Like
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
For cardio I live beyond my means.