Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

The French cow says MEUX…

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.