[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
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putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that