Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.