Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.