Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chart results are in…

The Book. The Movie.

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”