Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

What personal space?

My dog

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

Do one person every day that scares you.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

I wish all tests were things you peed on

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

This will never not be funny to me.