[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
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Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.