Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

couldn’t resist

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?