Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

OH. COME. ON.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

Guantanamo Bae

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.