Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”