WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
water it, i dare you
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
dogs can find happiness so easily
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day