Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

#parenting

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.