Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.