Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

December birthdays be like…

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance