Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.