Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
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ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
a lot to unpack here