Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI