Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

I don’t think my car can fly

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?