Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

Is this you?

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.