Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bold strategy

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.