Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.