Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

🤣

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today