Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

work smarter, not harder

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

6. me as a lawyer

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

[shakes fist at other fist]

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

🤣

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”