Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

I Can’t Tonight…

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky