Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
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So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another