WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade