WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
You Might Also Like
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Happy Caturday!
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
calling in to work dehydrated
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school