wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
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“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Happy Meal.
hmm conte-me mais
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.