Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers