Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
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I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school