Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

I wish I could veto my bills.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.