Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.