Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.