Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.