Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.