Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
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If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.