Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
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This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???