Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
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I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Snapes on a plane.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round