Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

I beg your pardon?

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

why isn’t thunder called soundning

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks