Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

happy friday

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.