Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
You Might Also Like
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God