Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
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I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.