Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

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Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic


We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.


I’m not saying all my friends are Pot Heads

But we did have a 2 hour discussion on how Sponge Bob Grills underwater


Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.


I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.


Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did


When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?


If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.


[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.


I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.