Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.