Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

This is my pinned tweet

R.I.P.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

Things will get butter, keep churning

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale