Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

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ME: Watch me.


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Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.


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Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.


If aliens are only on the quest for intelligent life, then Earth really has nothing to worry about.