@daddydoubts

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

You Might Also Like

@JKickinit30

It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.

@LizHackett

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

@lilgapeach30

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.

@seamussaid

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

@DaftLimmy

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

@TheTweetOfGod

If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.

@ImLeslieChow

Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.

@junejuly12

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

@michaelianblack

Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.

@Terdoh

If aliens are only on the quest for intelligent life, then Earth really has nothing to worry about.