Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
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16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message