It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
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THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.
Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.
If aliens are only on the quest for intelligent life, then Earth really has nothing to worry about.