Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
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They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.