Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
You Might Also Like
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden