Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
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I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Florida be like…
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.