Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

181.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t