WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.