Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?