WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
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My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
🤝
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.