Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

🙀🙀🙀😹

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!