WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
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Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I put the h in mysterious.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized