Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
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Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Don’t touch that.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Pizza is an emotion right?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”