Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

I was just discussing this with my cat

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

Bruh 😂

“TGIM!” – My liver

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.