Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

This one, by a wide margin

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.