Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.