WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
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Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Awesome parenting 😂
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
started wrapping my pills in cheese
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts