Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

wife: please be careful with that box…you remember the bead incident

narrator: of course he remembered the bead incident. it was may, 2017. he’d decided to surprise her by organizing the closet, but it was he who would soon be surprised.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

One venti cheeseburger please.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends