WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
You Might Also Like
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I’m listening
Lives near Army base.
Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
This seems like peak sibling energy
Cat.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds