Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19