Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
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Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Finally, an explanation.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Hit me in the face with a bird
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
they should invent a hydrating liquor
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation