Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
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I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.